THE T
- so i have "t anxiety." i'm constantly bugging out before i get on a t, like hours in advance. brought on by past unfortunate events, this anxiety involved me fearing that the doors won't open, the conductor will make me go up the steps with my 60 pound (9.3 stone, teah) bag and i'll trip and fall on my face, and lose my t card, then there won't be any room and i'll have to stand somewhere where angry thugs stare at me and then i won't be able to get off the t for my stop because there's too many cunts in the way and they won't move. approximately 87% of these things happened today, further inducing my t anxiety.
- i got on at harvard ave and there was absolutely no room for me, so i had to stand next to a scary nam vet with a missing thumb and angry eyes. fun. i get to pleasant st and, oh, what's that? running express you say? fabulous. i barely made it out of the t with all my body parts (and others') in tact and figured i'd wait for the next one. when the next one came, there was no one on it. ahhh, fresh air, no thumbless, crazy-eyed people. aaaaaaaaaaaand because i couldn't find my t pass in my pockets before i got on, the doors closed before i could wheel my enormous and overstuffed duffel to the door. thanks cunt-face-ho-bag-bitch-mother-fuckers. so right there, two failed attempts by moi.
- since i had literally 45 minutes to get to my bus to ny, and no t in sight, i decided to walk. and as murphy's law would have it, there were snow banks on every sitewalk, two (srsly?) construction blockades, and the sun started to shine so i was like sweating and freezing at the same time. after walking almost a mile in the snow with my bag, i got to the library to return 3 fucking books, which in hindsite, i would have much rather paid the $6 than go through all this absolute mayhem.
- i decided it would be in my best interest to not stay at central but go to east because i was the only one at central and tooooo many times have trains whizzed by when i'm the only one. so i walked some more.
- finally, a t came and it was just my luck that he wouldn't open up the back door even though i was waiving my monthly pass around like a mad woman. from then, on everything was pretty normal, no more horrible experiences.
you will all apreciate this i think. i got to south station super late and i don't even know how they fit this many people on a bus, but somehow i got on. there wasn't much of an option for seats and for some reason i wasn't too worried. now i know i should have been. the first indicator that this was going to be the ride of my life (or the ride that ends my life) was that the bus driver said to me, "this is going to be a friendly bus ride!" the first open seat that i saw was right behind the driver, and the person next to the open seat weighs at least 400 pounds. sorry dude, no. the next one i saw was with some chick and all her shit was on the open seat. the only thing that that means is that she's an inconsiderate bitch, or a sloppy weirdo who is going to be all "oh sorry i dropped my sandwich on your lap, got some mustard on you, want me to wipe it off? or lick it?" or "do you mind if i just leave my backpack on your lap? yeah that would be great. can you grab me a tampon out of it?" absolutely not.
my final option was a 40-some asian man. he was smiling at me so i figured , you can't really go wrong with a friendly person. until i realized you can. i'm not sure why but every single person on the bus feels the need to talk to every person around them. i guess mr. asian thought this was the socially acceptable norm and so he started talking to me. i first i was like, this guy has a really thick accent and i'm just going to laugh at everything he says so he doesn't feel bad. the thing about the accent was that i'm pretty sure he was only saying vowels. i'm not sure what country on our planet only speaks in vowels, but he apparently originates from there. i asked him where he was going and he said "a'ae'i i'eee" which i took to mean "atlantic city" from then on i deduced that he worked there, once he took a 10 hour bus ride from boston to new york, and that he thinks the bus driver's hot. or that he doesn't trust her at the wheel. which basically mean the same thing. he is currently sleeping, snoring extra loud (just how i like it) and almost has his head on my bosom. weeeird.
other people:
i'll give you brief character profiles of the people around me just so you can pretend like you are actually sitting with me. like a virtual bus ride. i don't know anyone's names so i'll name them.
mobatu: african american guy. he's on his way to south carolina. he asked the lady next to him to take a picture of him in his seat while we were still in the terminal. he then proceeded to look at all his pictures on his camera that were all the same exact pose (him alone and smiling hugely) but in different settings. clearly a tourist, but a very cute one at that. he's really nicely dressed and seems very cultured, but definitely straight off a plane from africa. i'm going to go ahead and say he's in medical school because he pulled out book entitled "gynecology" and proceded to look at pictures and read captions about the female anatomy and pap smears. i could be totally wrong about the med school thing, it could be a freaky fetish: medical porn. he now fell asleep with the page open to some device doctors stick up chaches. yeah i always get tired too after jerking off.
barbara: smoker, late 40's. clearly and obviously drunk. like for real. when she took mobatu's picture she was like "jsssssst hoooooow does this WOOOORKKK?" then she claimed she didn't know how because she wasn't wearing her glasses. it's okay barb, we all know your secret. you don't have to use glasses as your scapegoat for not perceiving the world clearly. she seems nice though. very friendly, and willing to help.
roselita: hispanic, 30's, ghet- to the -to! black fake nails, baby pink blackberry nestled between her JJ boobs. (side note: mr. asian is like officially on top of me.) girl, that was never an attractive place to hide a phone. pockets. an equally superb alternative that don't force you to reach your hand down your tits every 5 seconds. she keeps talking really loudly on the phone, like really dramatic. though extremely obnoxious, the content is quite entertaining. she yells in spanish for like 3 minutes then says, "come on. come on. shyeeeeet. fuuuuuuck." that made me giggle. two minutes later, aparently something hilarious happened because she was laughing so hard going "nuh uh, nuh uh" and whacking barb with her extravagant hand gestures. barb of course saying "what happened?" and the entire bus just gaping. she started laughing until she was crying and then her "mami" called and she started actually crying. i'm thoroughly confused.
i should probably be nicer to strangers considering 1. karma 2. its christmas time 3. i'm like super creepy and mean. those are basically the only things that have happened thus far but all i can say is, we'll see what the next 3 hours has in store.
and i KNOW i have to post my opera of a blog post but i'm working on it.
scout out!
